The Art of Not Caring

He isn’t my fairytale. Our love isn’t magic. It didn’t change my life in an instant. In fact, I was barely sure about it when I agreed to see him. I was barely sure on the second date, and even the third. I didn’t jump in, I didn’t dive the first chance I got. I barely even budged.

Maybe that’s why it’s different this time around. Because it wasn’t abrupt like a storm, quick yet destructive. This time, it was more of a summer breeze, settling in and enveloping the city with a orangish glow. This time, I took my time and he didn’t understand my uncertainty or hesitant tendencies, probably mistook my fear for not caring.

I’ve mastered the art by now, you know? The art of not caring – which coming from me, a hopelessly emotional mess, sounds like absolute bullshit. But hear me out. It started out as a disguise, a mere mask and then turned out to be a persona, a costume that I was rather uncomfortable in but it fit. It always fits.

The persona of the “cool girl”, as Tove Lo explained in her song. And hey, it’s fun. Everyone likes you when you’re the cool girl, when they know you come with an inability to feel. It makes it easier for them, because cool girls move on. They don’t fall apart when the door slams yet again, they don’t even flinch at the sound.

But as much as I loved to be her, she’s just not me. She’s everything I’m not, and sometimes hope I was. And he knew. His eyes met mine, piercing through hers. She disintegrates.

And it’s just me. And him. Yet another cliché, we dance in the dark to my (now) favorite song. All I could think of in the moment was I haven’t felt this safe in so long.

And now that the mask is off, I promise I’m all in. I promise to stay. I promise to let myself fly, then fall. I’m done being scared, I’m done pretending to not care when my heart could potentially explode with how much I do. I’m done with “I’m so not getting attached this time around” – since when is feeling too much a bad thing anyway? How much is too much?

I realize, letting my guard down means asking to get hurt, but it also means trusting someone enough to fall anyway. It means cherishing every moment of the “falling” and embracing every possibility, whether it ends the way it always does or leads us somewhere unknown.

 

 

 

 

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