Silent Screams

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault.

 

In the moment, I lost the ability to speak.

I writhed frantically under him, as he continued kissing my neck. I recalled the events from last night, none of which involved me being interested in him and all of which involved me rejecting his advances politely. I recalled myself laughing, with my new “friends”, and drinking a little too much. I recalled myself slipping in and out of consciousness, and ultimately passing out on the couch.

I couldn’t get myself to speak. But silence never, ever means consent. Silence is never an alternative for ‘yes’.

I was being kissed and touched. I was being forced to touch him. I was still drunken and dazed and couldn’t quite figure out what was happening.

All I knew is I was scared, and I couldn’t speak.

It only settled in as I sipped coffee in my favorite coffee shop in the evening. It all came back to me, and I had a complete breakdown in public.

An entire day later, I don’t feel any better. I’m afraid I never will. I don’t know how to be okay again.

I’ve never felt more alone. I couldn’t speak about it when my mother facetimed me, the look on her face would kill me. The thought of her sobbing as I struggle to tell every detail physically makes me sick.

All I know is I want to go home. I want to feel safe and warm again. I’m afraid I never will.

I try to speak about it now, but every time I do, I burst out crying. I’ve lost the ability to speak.

I want to scream but I’m scared no one will hear it.