How I Break My Own Heart

The truth is I break my own heart before anyone else could.

I am continually learning how to be in a relationship and not lose my mind at the same time.

Pull away or pull you too close; give nothing or give too much, sometimes even my sanity. Neither is healthy for us, for me, but I keep falling into the same patterns.

Feel eerily numb or feel too much. Strangely, the numbness is what attracts people; the latter drives them away.

If it was up to me, I’d give up the ability to feel so intensely, to be “too much” too soon.

Next time I’ll do better, let me start over and I’ll do better – I always say. But the pattern repeats, a vicious cycle which ends with me falling to the floor, falling apart.

And I realize nothing will change if I don’t stop.

Stop looking for happiness in the wrong places, stop looking for happiness disguised as dark-hair-and-glasses. Start looking within, realize I am enough. Don’t trust the next  dark-hair-and-glasses.

I reach my peak in the presence of another, then crash when they inevitably leave – because who wants to be on an unending roller coaster?

All I long for is a happy middle; never too little, never too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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