Ten Months

I didn’t think we’d come this far.

I didn’t know I could go this long without wrecking it with someone.

Or bailing. That’s what I do,

When things get rough, when my thoughts drive me to insanity,

And I walk out the door at 2am

To breathe.

“I want to be alone”, I say

I want to cry on the way home, I mean

The look on his face, when I say I should go, it kills me

It makes me feel cruel, like I don’t deserve someone so pure, so beautiful

Someone I love to death, someone I never want to lose

But my actions make it seem otherwise,

The constant urge I feel, to wreck it and run

It’s only my fear of commitment, I say

As if it’s no big deal, as if that fear isn’t choking me as we speak

Somehow, I always stay,

I feel glad I didn’t leave, until the urge creeps in again

And I wonder how long it’s going to be until I succeed,

Until I get what I seemingly want – the impending wreckage

Until he no longer begs me to stay,

And I look back before I leave.

One last glance, one last time

Then I cry on the way home.